How To Discipline 3 Year Olds

Disiplining a 3 year old is all about teaching the child about consequences for their behavior. I have a 3 year old son and I have studied and tried a lot of parenting and discipline techniques. I don't use spanking, time outs, shouting or any such techniques with my 3 year old. Yet, he is a lovely, well behaved and happy little boy. So what do I do to discipline my 3 year old?

My son is taught that there are always consequences for his actions and this article details what I do to show this. However, I don't try and control his behavior, but I do guide him and teach him the way that I would like to see him act and behave. One thing, I've learned through parenting and having relationships with other people is that you cannot control another person's behavior and actions. You can only control your own and this is one of the things you need to work on when disciplining a 3 year old.

Read on for advice, techniques and tips on how to discipline a 3 year old.

This is basically how I discipline my son. If my 3 year old son is doing something that I would prefer him not to do, on most occasions, I follow the three steps below.

First Step - Talk to 3 Year Old

The first is talk to him and ask him what I'd like him to do. I try to phrase my request positively. Rather than saying, No don't do that, I ask him to do what I want rather than what I don't want. For example, the other day he was playing with his cars on a piece of furniture at a friends house and I didn't want him to scratch it. Rather than saying "Don't play with your cars on the furniture" I asked him "Could you play with your cars on the floor rather than the furniture because you may scratch it".

Second Step - Warning

After a couple of requests, if he doesn't do what I ask him, I warn him that if he continues a consequence will occur. So, if he had continued playing with the cars on the furniture, I would have warned him I would take the cars away and he would have to play with something else. Its important that the consequence you plan to put in place is appropriate to the offence and immediate. For example, having no ice cream later on in the day would have made no sense as a consequence for playing with his cars on the table. Its important that you are able to follow through on any consequence you threaten. I have learned never to threaten consequences that I don't want to follow through on myself. So if he'd have been behaving badly at my friend's house, I wouldn't have said if you continue we are going to go home because I didn't want to go home and had no intention of putting this consequence in place.

Third Step - Consequence

Its important to follow through on any consequence you have threatened if the undesired behavior continues. It only takes a few times of putting in place consequences and going ahead with them before they realise you mean what you say and will pretty much do what you ask them. My son normally does what I ask him now (although sometimes I do have to ask him a couple of times), I rarely have to put in place a consequence - he knows I mean what I say.

Once the consequence has been put in place there is no need for any further discipline. The object of this discipline technique is to show 3 year olds that their behavior has consquences, not to make them feel bad. For example, taking the cars away on this occasion is enough of a consequence for my son. He loves playing with cars, he doesn't want them to be taken away. However, I would have suggested an alternative activity, like drawing or playing other toys etc instead of the cars once I'd taken them away. I would explain we can't play with the cars because at this moment you are unable to play with them on the floor and they will scratch the furniture. Lets do some drawing instaed. I would point out he could play with the cars the next time we come if he has learned that he can't play with them on the furniture.

Understanding why 3 year olds behave in the way that they do is essential when knowing what to discipline them for and how to do it. Much behavior that 3 year olds are disciplined for is actually age appropriate. Quite often we expect adult behavior from 3 year olds which are very high behavior standards for them to obtain. Its therefore extremely harsh to discipline them for it although it is important to guide, teach and talk to them so they know what behavior isn't acceptable. Some social and emotional development stages are as follows:

• They are learning about their independence and trying to assert it (although very badly at times). Defiantly shouting "No" and refusal to co-operate are examples of them saying I am a person who has my own mind and can control my own actions.
• Routines are very important to them. They want everything how it was the last time and everything in their place. This can explain some of a 3 year olds seemingly bizzare requests.
• Still very possessive of play things. May offer the occasional toy but finds it difficult to share and play with other children at times.
• Impatient and bossy. Wants everything immediately and can be very demanding of caregivers.
• Making choices is very difficult for them. They want to have everything!

Of course, many of these developmental stages lead to unacceptable behaviour and they need to know that their behaviors have consequences. However, they will grow out some of these behaviors naturally as they get older. Its important to understand  when disciplining that many behaviors deemed to be bad are entirely normal age appropriate behaviors for a 3 year old.

Here are a few more tips for disciplining 3 year olds:

Lead by example : 3 year olds copy their behavior from the adults they are with the majority of the time. Therefore if you shout a lot, they will learn to raise their voice. If you act like the boss all the time, they will try and do the same and the power struggles will begin. Act like you would like them to act and they will copy your behavior.

Give lots of positive attention : 3 year olds often misbehave to get attention. It doesn't matter that its negative, they just want that attention. By giving lots of positive attention, the need for attention seeking behavior is often diminished. Play games, sing songs, draw, praise and give lots of positive attention wherever possible.

Be Firm but Keep Calm and Show Love : Follow through on the consequences that you set but don't shout, criticise or punish. There's no need. Never withold love or affection. You may have to take away their toys, not have a treat or go to the park but be there if they need a hug to accept the consequences.